Turbulence

(Big breath) And okay....here I go...This is my first blog of 2011, and it's interesting because I looked back and the last time I wrote was July. JULY PEOPLE! WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?????? Well I think it is very telling. I've been experiencing some turbulence since last summer. Sometimes I wish that in the turbulence of life that we experience here on the ground we could follow simple rules like the good flight attendants in the air instruct us to do. In case of an emergency do this:________________ Unfortunately that is not how things are. There was nothing that could warn me that things were about to be bumpy, just as you often are not warned about that in an airplane. Now if you're the pilot (which my sweet husband is now! He just got his private pilot's license this year! I'm so proud of you my sweet Michael.) As I was saying, if you're the pilot you can sometimes foresee that there is bumpy sky ahead, but here on earth God is my pilot and only He could know what was coming up for me. These bumps have been...well...bumpier...and I don't quite know yet how to handle them.

The next step is if the oxygen masks deploy make sure you put yours on first before you can assist others. I feel as though in my own life I have a hard time even finding the stupid oxygen mask. If only it would just appear above my head the breathing would be easier! In an airplane if the cabin becomes depressurized you face the risk of unconsciousness. Somehow I feel like the wind has been taken out of my own sails and somewhere unconsciously along the way, I have slipped into a sort of agreement. A sort of unconsciousness that what I have to say doesn't matter. That my life really doesn't matter. Now I know in my head this is a complete lie. I am fully aware that the Father of Lies loves to tell us that our lives don't matter. I KNOW that, but I don't FEEL that. I least I haven't been feeling that. I think this is why I haven't written since last summer because somewhere along the way I feel that what I have to write doesn't matter. My sweet friend Jen who writes a blog at http://defyingtheworld.blogspot.com/ (PS. It's a great blog. I love her heart-you should check it out!) asked me why I haven't written in awhile, and I told her that this is what I've been experiencing. I think perfectionism also keeps me from writing. I often feel like what I'm writing has to be awesome to make it worthy of someone reading it. So I am throwing all caution to the wind and just writing. I'm not really making changes. Just letting it flow...I never really liked proofing anyway. =)

And finally, once you have your oxygen mask on you can assist others. I long to do this. For my life to matter for someone else. I long for this not just in an earthly sense, but for what I'm doing to have an eternal impact. In my heart of hearts that's truly what I want. In the purest part of my heart I don't long for big success or fame. I just want what I do to be worthwhile. To assist others in their journey. To matter. I have felt as though what I am doing has no value to others. Again I KNOW that's not true, but I long to RECAPTURE THE HEART KNOWING. Jesus, help me. Help all of us in the turbulence of life. Help us breathe.

Someday...

I am beginning to think that the nearer I draw to the Lord, the harder life itself is. This is probably bad theology, but it seems that my very flesh and spirit want to separate. I think I understand why Paul rants and raves about his body of death and wanting to do what is right but doing evil instead. Jesus, I cannot wait until this is no longer a struggle. The rest and peace that one must feel-not being pulled in both directions. Someday...

"I have discovered this principle of life—that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong. I love God’s law with all my heart. But there is another power within me that is at war with my mind. This power makes me a slave to the sin that is still within me. Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin and death? Thank God! The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord. So you see how it is: In my mind I really want to obey God’s law, but because of my sinful nature I am a slave to sin." Romans 7:21-25

Clinging Faith

So I about fell off my couch a moment ago. The Lord never fails to tie things together. It's crazy how he's been doing that in my quiet time lately. I have to admit the temptation to put on the tv and not spend time with him today was very great. I had to pray for the strength to choose to spend time with him. My days over the past few months have for the most part been very quiet and the Lord has been beckoning me into a deeper walk with him. I keep feeling like every day has been a battle, some very hard, others easier. Yesterday I began writing down the things he's been showing me since May to hopefully remember and learn from them. In a nut shell he's been showing me how much I need "clinging faith." In March of this year while singing at the Called Conference for the TBC, I had almost lost my voice entirely. While praying for the strength to make it through leading on Saturday night the Lord brought me to an entry in the devotional "Streams in the Desert" where Jacob is wrestling with the Lord and only through clinging on to his opponent was he able to win the victory. It did not come through wrestling for Jacob tried that and finally just held on by locking his arms around the neck of his opponent throwing his weight on him. "We too will not win the victory in prayer until we cease our struggling. We must give up our own will and throw our arms around our Father's neck in clinging faith." After that battle Jacob's hip was out of place and was a reminder to him of what he had been through. I had a dear friend tell me in 2009 that my voice after going through my vocal hemorrhage in 2008 was a reminder to me of my dependency upon Christ. In reading that passage about Jacob in March of this year, I was again reminded how dependent upon Christ I am for all things. There was no way physically I was going to be able to make it through that conference unless the Lord gave me the strength. I had to cling. Cling I did, and my Faithful Father got me through it. Praise the Lord! I have been on a journey learning to cling ever since...

I just had a funny thought about that-do any of you remember the puppets that had long arms at Opryland? They just kind of hung on to the puppeteer? Well that's exactly what I've been like-throwing my floppy arms around the neck of my Savior because in Him is the only way that I've been able to find the will to move. I so have one of those and I just got it out of my attic. I'll attach a picture to this post so you can see how awesome he is. He even has a mohawk. Rock. (Just texted my bro and he remembered they were called Mopkins! =) You can see how thrilled Rio is to have him cling to her. ha! ha!

Anyways I've done a lot of clinging, spending time on my knees and being still, listening to His voice. My days seems to be lost or won depending on if I am choosing to do that or not. What almost made me fall off the couch a bit ago though was on June 21 (this year) the Lord brought me to Numbers 9:15-23 and this is what I wrote after reading that:

I feel like the Lord is telling me that he will show me where and when to go, just as the guided the Israelites. He will lift the cloud when it's time for me to break camp and show me where I am to go. Praise the Lord! May I follow you anywhere my sweet Savior-in Your time.

And then today I read this from Streams in the Desert "We sit and weep in vain, while the voice of the Almighty tells us to never stop moving upward and onward. Let us advance boldly, whether it is dark and we can barely see the forest in front of us, or our road leads us through the mountain pass, where from any vantage point we can only see a few steps ahead. (Read my journal entry 'Eating Bread Crumbs' from April of this year) Press on! And if necessary, like the ancient Israelites we will find a pillar of clouds and fire to lead the way on our journey through the wilderness. God will provide guides and inns along the road, we will discover food, clothing, and friends at every stage of our journey."

This is an ah ha! moment for me and I just had to share. It's just amazing how everything I've been reading and hearing have been so hand in hand lately. (Hand in hand! ha! ha! Clinging!) God has once again given me strength and encouragement for this day. For this moment. He will give it to you too sweet reader...just cling!

Journeying with Jesus...

I have had some of the hardest days (spiritually) in the last couple months. I have been wrestling with a deep sadness, feelings of worthlessness, feelings of not wanting my life to pass by without having done something worthwhile. Feeling like I don't really matter or a make a difference being here on this earth. (Please friends, this is not me fishing for kind comments-I know that I am loved and have friends.) I have never felt so incredibly alone in all of my life. This is even different from when I went through my vocal problems. It's not like the kind of alone that Satan likes to trick us into thinking, because I know I'm not alone, but I have felt that I have been on a path that no one else could venture down with me. No one except for my sweet Savior who has continually shown me that he holds me by His righteous right hand. Praise be to Jesus! (Isaiah 41:10, 41:13) I honestly don't even know how to describe what I've been going through, but it has been ROUGH! I do know that a couple nights ago, the Lord directed me back to Job 1. This is a chapter I have always been in awe of because of Job's response after losing absolutely everything that he had. His great wealth disappeared in an instant, and just as quickly he lost his family-ALL IN THE SAME DAY. And his response? "He fell to the ground to worship." v.20 I KNOW!? A while back, I prayed that God would give me that kind of faith, that no matter what my situation, whether I have much or little, whether in feast or famine, that my response would always be to fall to my knees in worship. I think God directed me back there to remind me that that was my request, and He is faithful to work us out into His beautiful shining image if we allow him. I know I have a LONG way to go, but ever since I read that there has been a peace within my soul. A calm, knowing that my Savior is with me. Knowing that he has never and will never leave me. Knowing that no matter how much I feel like I am drowning or my spirit is screaming out within me with no reply that He is always there "to help me" as it says in Isaiah 41. I want to share some words that have comforted me these past few months from my devotional "Jesus Calling" by Sarah Young. May they comfort you too, should you find yourself in a dark place that you have never been...or find yourself in again...

"Every person on the planet faces gaping jaws of uncertainty. The only antidote to this poisonous threat is drawing closer to Me. In MY Presence you can face uncertainty with perfect Peace."

"But those who are successful in their own strength tend to go their own way, forgetting about Me. It is through problems and failure, weakness and neediness that you learn to rely on me....Thus begins your journey of profound reliance on Me."

"Do not be discouraged by the fact that many of your prayers are yet unanswered. Time is a trainer, teaching you to wait upon Me, to trust Me in the dark."

"Remember you are on a journey with Me. As you gaze anxiously into the distance, you don't even feel the strong grip of My hand holding yours. How foolish you are My child! Remembrance of Me is a daily discipline. Never lose sight of My Presence with you. This will keep you resting in Me ALL DAY, EVER DAY."

And finally a sweet verse: "Though I am surrounded by troubles...you reach out your hand, and the power of your right hand saves me. The Lord will work out his plans for my life-for your faithful love, O Lord, endures forever. Don't abandon me, for you made me." Psalm 138:7,8

I love you Jesus. Thank you for loving me so very much. Your Daughter,
Sarah

A New Adventure

I love adventure. I long for it, breathe for it, excel in it. I love new things. New places, new people, new experiences. A new adventure. I have been longing for one. Things have been so stagnant. I do not like it when there seems to be no movement, no momentum. Work as many of you have read before has been slow for me lately. Whenever it gets like this, I start to feel like I'm not doing something right. Am I doing what I should be? Why does nothing seem to be happening? Ah! The same haunting thoughts come flooding back. My sweet Savior knows. HE KNOWS. Not only does he know, HE CARES. He cares enough that I am able to spend time with friends who know how to encourage me and know how to listen (and more importantly they listen to Him). He cares enough that a couple notes of encouragement that had been sent to me on facebook, I had somehow overlooked and as I am going back through my inbox I find them and their words encourage me greatly.

"The words of the godly are like sterling silver" Proverbs 10:20

"A word aptly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver." Proverbs 25:11

What a kind Savior to send friends to be his mouthpiece. I read this morning in Sarah Young's devotional "Jesus Calling" that Jesus sees us "with a steady eye" because His "attention span is infinite. This gives me great comfort to know that my Savior sees EVERYTHING. Nothing passes before him without his noticing. He sees my yesterday, my today and tomorrow. He knows me completely-UNWAVERINGLY. Sarah Young also says to "give yourself fully to this adventure of increasing attentiveness to My Presence." Adventure! There it is! I never thought of being still and listening as an adventure. This has given me such new perspective and made it seem a little lighter that it's ok that things are quiet. It's ok that there is not much going on. Jesus sees, he knows and He's calling me on an adventure to walk with him, to hear him, to know him the way he knows me. I pray that wherever this finds you reader that you will be swept up in that adventure too. It's an adventure I don't think we'll ever quit...there is no end to our Savior...

Somebody's Daughter

This morning as I was working, I had the TV on in the background. I often do this for noise. Growing up in house with 5 boys has done this to me, there was always noise going on, and for some reason I still enjoy having an element of sound around as I work. Well The View was on, and my ears perked up as they said Courtney Love was going to be on there. Immediately visions of me in my bedroom screaming "Go on take everything!" came into my head. I was a Hole fan at the age of 12 and their album "Live Through This" was often heard blasting in my room. (Ah, the middle school angst.) Miss Love has a new album out called "Nobody's Daughter." She said she titled it this because she comes from a family line where her grandmother and mother were disowned or orphaned and her father lost custody of her at a young age. (I think that stuff is accurate. I can't remember all the details of what she said so forgive me for not remembering.) Either way it struck me that she comes from a background of where she doesn't feel like she belongs to anyone. Isn't that how many of us feel? We are truly aliens in this world, and often one of Satan's best tricks is making us feel alone and unwanted. I think this is a pulse that unfortunately runs through many of us. I wanted to shout to her, "but you can be somebody's daughter!" I'm somebody's daughter. And by somebody, I mean SOMEBODY. I have a dear friend who was adopted and then disowned by the very people that adopted her. This breaks my heart. How can someone do that? Just as the boy from Russia who was adopted and then sent back by himself on a plane with the lame excuse that he was just too hard to take care of. So many of us feel lost and that we don't belong to anyone. There is someone who cares for us no matter how hard or difficult we are or what our past looks like. Praise God that we can be adopted in the family of Christ! Jesus, came for that very reason! I'm not talking about the cleaned up, polished version of Jesus that so many churches paint. I'm talking about the bloodied, wounded Jesus who took on our very sin, our brokenness, our messed up past-no matter how screwed up it is even though he was perfect. He died so that we could belong to SOMEBODY. He died so we didn't have to. We no longer are alone in this world. As I've written about before, I'm doing a Bible study on John and recently we've been talking about Christ's crucifixion. I did not know this, but Jesus had about a mile to carry his cross to the hill at Golgotha. During this mile walk, anyone could still speak out if they felt that He was innocent and Jesus would at that point be retried. The entire trial would start over, but not a single person spoke up. Can you imagine how alone he felt? Even Jesus' family at that point didn't believe in him. His own brothers didn't believe he was the Messiah. His family rejected him. I think Jesus knows how it feels to feel like you belong to nobody....this gives a whole new meaning to walking a mile in my shoes doesn't it?.....but then we see the whisper of God at work....the reminder that we DO belong to someone.....Jesus, was not able to carry his cross the entire way by himself. (He was too weak from the illegal beatings that had taken place.) A man named Simon was chosen to help Jesus carry his cross. I find this a beautiful picture. Isn't it so like God to ensure that even in the hardest, darkest moments we are not alone. I'm sure Jesus felt alone, but his Father made sure someone was there with him. Whether we recognize it or not we are never alone. I pray that God's whisper of "I AM with you" is much louder than the hiss of Satan that no one cares-you're alone. Courtney you can be SOMEBODY'S daughter. I am a daughter of the King. Praise God that he adopted me into his family. He will adopt anyone who comes to him and believes that he is the Son of God. Don't we all want to belong to someone? Won't you let SOMEONE carry your burdens today? You can be SOMEBODY'S daughter or son...not just anyone's daughter or son, but the ONE who gave his own son for you...

Ephesians 1:4-6 (NLT)
Even before he made the world, God loved us and chose us in Christ to be holy and without fault in his eyes. God decided in advance to adopt us into his own family by bringing us to himself through Jesus Christ. This is what he wanted to do, and it gave him great pleasure. So we praise God for the glorious grace he has poured out on us who belong to his dear Son.

If you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. For it is by believing in your heart that you are made right with God, and it is by confessing with your mouth that you are saved.
Romans 10:9,10 (NLT)

Eating Bread Crumbs. . . . ... ....

Okay maybe I shouldn't be surprised by now that the Lord is the one who directs my path, and that he goes before me everywhere I go, but when he keeps doing it I'm just wowed! This past year and 2 months of trying to do music ministry full time has been so interesting. Absolutely every time I begin feeling like "why am I doing this?" "Did God really call me to do this?" "There's nothing going on, how am I possibly going to keep doing this?" He ALWAYS and I mean ALWAYS brings something or someone my way to encourage me. I feel like Gretel following the bread crumb path, and just when I think I can't find the next bread crumb, there it is just around the next turn. (I wonder if I'll ever make it to the big candy house? lol!) What I have noticed is that I have done nothing. I do not deserve any credit for any event I've gone to or done. The Lord has been the one to bring all of it my way. Every church I've sang at, every push to keep playing guitar, every kind person who has given me a chance has been because the Lord did it. This past week I have found myself becoming a little anxious because things have seemed to slow down for me. The rest of this month seems slow and the month of May looks just like it. Now I know that this hasn't been booked yet, but regardless this is how the Lord keeps doing things. This is not the first time this has happened, and I am always so encouraged and in awe of it. Literally a few minutes ago I checked my fan page on facebook (I don't do this very regularly even though I should) and there is a sweet message from a lady who heard me sing at an event back in (I think) 2006? She said she would love to have me come to her church. Yet again someone God completely brought into my path. I'm honored to be on this bread crumb path that the Lord has me on. It may be narrow, but I pray I always stay on it. His path is the best. His bread crumbs are far better than any feast I could find off of this path. He is my daily bread, and I am overwhelmed by His love for me. Oh how He loves us. He truly does...