Someday...

I am beginning to think that the nearer I draw to the Lord, the harder life itself is. This is probably bad theology, but it seems that my very flesh and spirit want to separate. I think I understand why Paul rants and raves about his body of death and wanting to do what is right but doing evil instead. Jesus, I cannot wait until this is no longer a struggle. The rest and peace that one must feel-not being pulled in both directions. Someday...

"I have discovered this principle of life—that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong. I love God’s law with all my heart. But there is another power within me that is at war with my mind. This power makes me a slave to the sin that is still within me. Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin and death? Thank God! The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord. So you see how it is: In my mind I really want to obey God’s law, but because of my sinful nature I am a slave to sin." Romans 7:21-25

Clinging Faith

So I about fell off my couch a moment ago. The Lord never fails to tie things together. It's crazy how he's been doing that in my quiet time lately. I have to admit the temptation to put on the tv and not spend time with him today was very great. I had to pray for the strength to choose to spend time with him. My days over the past few months have for the most part been very quiet and the Lord has been beckoning me into a deeper walk with him. I keep feeling like every day has been a battle, some very hard, others easier. Yesterday I began writing down the things he's been showing me since May to hopefully remember and learn from them. In a nut shell he's been showing me how much I need "clinging faith." In March of this year while singing at the Called Conference for the TBC, I had almost lost my voice entirely. While praying for the strength to make it through leading on Saturday night the Lord brought me to an entry in the devotional "Streams in the Desert" where Jacob is wrestling with the Lord and only through clinging on to his opponent was he able to win the victory. It did not come through wrestling for Jacob tried that and finally just held on by locking his arms around the neck of his opponent throwing his weight on him. "We too will not win the victory in prayer until we cease our struggling. We must give up our own will and throw our arms around our Father's neck in clinging faith." After that battle Jacob's hip was out of place and was a reminder to him of what he had been through. I had a dear friend tell me in 2009 that my voice after going through my vocal hemorrhage in 2008 was a reminder to me of my dependency upon Christ. In reading that passage about Jacob in March of this year, I was again reminded how dependent upon Christ I am for all things. There was no way physically I was going to be able to make it through that conference unless the Lord gave me the strength. I had to cling. Cling I did, and my Faithful Father got me through it. Praise the Lord! I have been on a journey learning to cling ever since...

I just had a funny thought about that-do any of you remember the puppets that had long arms at Opryland? They just kind of hung on to the puppeteer? Well that's exactly what I've been like-throwing my floppy arms around the neck of my Savior because in Him is the only way that I've been able to find the will to move. I so have one of those and I just got it out of my attic. I'll attach a picture to this post so you can see how awesome he is. He even has a mohawk. Rock. (Just texted my bro and he remembered they were called Mopkins! =) You can see how thrilled Rio is to have him cling to her. ha! ha!

Anyways I've done a lot of clinging, spending time on my knees and being still, listening to His voice. My days seems to be lost or won depending on if I am choosing to do that or not. What almost made me fall off the couch a bit ago though was on June 21 (this year) the Lord brought me to Numbers 9:15-23 and this is what I wrote after reading that:

I feel like the Lord is telling me that he will show me where and when to go, just as the guided the Israelites. He will lift the cloud when it's time for me to break camp and show me where I am to go. Praise the Lord! May I follow you anywhere my sweet Savior-in Your time.

And then today I read this from Streams in the Desert "We sit and weep in vain, while the voice of the Almighty tells us to never stop moving upward and onward. Let us advance boldly, whether it is dark and we can barely see the forest in front of us, or our road leads us through the mountain pass, where from any vantage point we can only see a few steps ahead. (Read my journal entry 'Eating Bread Crumbs' from April of this year) Press on! And if necessary, like the ancient Israelites we will find a pillar of clouds and fire to lead the way on our journey through the wilderness. God will provide guides and inns along the road, we will discover food, clothing, and friends at every stage of our journey."

This is an ah ha! moment for me and I just had to share. It's just amazing how everything I've been reading and hearing have been so hand in hand lately. (Hand in hand! ha! ha! Clinging!) God has once again given me strength and encouragement for this day. For this moment. He will give it to you too sweet reader...just cling!

Journeying with Jesus...

I have had some of the hardest days (spiritually) in the last couple months. I have been wrestling with a deep sadness, feelings of worthlessness, feelings of not wanting my life to pass by without having done something worthwhile. Feeling like I don't really matter or a make a difference being here on this earth. (Please friends, this is not me fishing for kind comments-I know that I am loved and have friends.) I have never felt so incredibly alone in all of my life. This is even different from when I went through my vocal problems. It's not like the kind of alone that Satan likes to trick us into thinking, because I know I'm not alone, but I have felt that I have been on a path that no one else could venture down with me. No one except for my sweet Savior who has continually shown me that he holds me by His righteous right hand. Praise be to Jesus! (Isaiah 41:10, 41:13) I honestly don't even know how to describe what I've been going through, but it has been ROUGH! I do know that a couple nights ago, the Lord directed me back to Job 1. This is a chapter I have always been in awe of because of Job's response after losing absolutely everything that he had. His great wealth disappeared in an instant, and just as quickly he lost his family-ALL IN THE SAME DAY. And his response? "He fell to the ground to worship." v.20 I KNOW!? A while back, I prayed that God would give me that kind of faith, that no matter what my situation, whether I have much or little, whether in feast or famine, that my response would always be to fall to my knees in worship. I think God directed me back there to remind me that that was my request, and He is faithful to work us out into His beautiful shining image if we allow him. I know I have a LONG way to go, but ever since I read that there has been a peace within my soul. A calm, knowing that my Savior is with me. Knowing that he has never and will never leave me. Knowing that no matter how much I feel like I am drowning or my spirit is screaming out within me with no reply that He is always there "to help me" as it says in Isaiah 41. I want to share some words that have comforted me these past few months from my devotional "Jesus Calling" by Sarah Young. May they comfort you too, should you find yourself in a dark place that you have never been...or find yourself in again...

"Every person on the planet faces gaping jaws of uncertainty. The only antidote to this poisonous threat is drawing closer to Me. In MY Presence you can face uncertainty with perfect Peace."

"But those who are successful in their own strength tend to go their own way, forgetting about Me. It is through problems and failure, weakness and neediness that you learn to rely on me....Thus begins your journey of profound reliance on Me."

"Do not be discouraged by the fact that many of your prayers are yet unanswered. Time is a trainer, teaching you to wait upon Me, to trust Me in the dark."

"Remember you are on a journey with Me. As you gaze anxiously into the distance, you don't even feel the strong grip of My hand holding yours. How foolish you are My child! Remembrance of Me is a daily discipline. Never lose sight of My Presence with you. This will keep you resting in Me ALL DAY, EVER DAY."

And finally a sweet verse: "Though I am surrounded by troubles...you reach out your hand, and the power of your right hand saves me. The Lord will work out his plans for my life-for your faithful love, O Lord, endures forever. Don't abandon me, for you made me." Psalm 138:7,8

I love you Jesus. Thank you for loving me so very much. Your Daughter,
Sarah

A New Adventure

I love adventure. I long for it, breathe for it, excel in it. I love new things. New places, new people, new experiences. A new adventure. I have been longing for one. Things have been so stagnant. I do not like it when there seems to be no movement, no momentum. Work as many of you have read before has been slow for me lately. Whenever it gets like this, I start to feel like I'm not doing something right. Am I doing what I should be? Why does nothing seem to be happening? Ah! The same haunting thoughts come flooding back. My sweet Savior knows. HE KNOWS. Not only does he know, HE CARES. He cares enough that I am able to spend time with friends who know how to encourage me and know how to listen (and more importantly they listen to Him). He cares enough that a couple notes of encouragement that had been sent to me on facebook, I had somehow overlooked and as I am going back through my inbox I find them and their words encourage me greatly.

"The words of the godly are like sterling silver" Proverbs 10:20

"A word aptly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver." Proverbs 25:11

What a kind Savior to send friends to be his mouthpiece. I read this morning in Sarah Young's devotional "Jesus Calling" that Jesus sees us "with a steady eye" because His "attention span is infinite. This gives me great comfort to know that my Savior sees EVERYTHING. Nothing passes before him without his noticing. He sees my yesterday, my today and tomorrow. He knows me completely-UNWAVERINGLY. Sarah Young also says to "give yourself fully to this adventure of increasing attentiveness to My Presence." Adventure! There it is! I never thought of being still and listening as an adventure. This has given me such new perspective and made it seem a little lighter that it's ok that things are quiet. It's ok that there is not much going on. Jesus sees, he knows and He's calling me on an adventure to walk with him, to hear him, to know him the way he knows me. I pray that wherever this finds you reader that you will be swept up in that adventure too. It's an adventure I don't think we'll ever quit...there is no end to our Savior...

Somebody's Daughter

This morning as I was working, I had the TV on in the background. I often do this for noise. Growing up in house with 5 boys has done this to me, there was always noise going on, and for some reason I still enjoy having an element of sound around as I work. Well The View was on, and my ears perked up as they said Courtney Love was going to be on there. Immediately visions of me in my bedroom screaming "Go on take everything!" came into my head. I was a Hole fan at the age of 12 and their album "Live Through This" was often heard blasting in my room. (Ah, the middle school angst.) Miss Love has a new album out called "Nobody's Daughter." She said she titled it this because she comes from a family line where her grandmother and mother were disowned or orphaned and her father lost custody of her at a young age. (I think that stuff is accurate. I can't remember all the details of what she said so forgive me for not remembering.) Either way it struck me that she comes from a background of where she doesn't feel like she belongs to anyone. Isn't that how many of us feel? We are truly aliens in this world, and often one of Satan's best tricks is making us feel alone and unwanted. I think this is a pulse that unfortunately runs through many of us. I wanted to shout to her, "but you can be somebody's daughter!" I'm somebody's daughter. And by somebody, I mean SOMEBODY. I have a dear friend who was adopted and then disowned by the very people that adopted her. This breaks my heart. How can someone do that? Just as the boy from Russia who was adopted and then sent back by himself on a plane with the lame excuse that he was just too hard to take care of. So many of us feel lost and that we don't belong to anyone. There is someone who cares for us no matter how hard or difficult we are or what our past looks like. Praise God that we can be adopted in the family of Christ! Jesus, came for that very reason! I'm not talking about the cleaned up, polished version of Jesus that so many churches paint. I'm talking about the bloodied, wounded Jesus who took on our very sin, our brokenness, our messed up past-no matter how screwed up it is even though he was perfect. He died so that we could belong to SOMEBODY. He died so we didn't have to. We no longer are alone in this world. As I've written about before, I'm doing a Bible study on John and recently we've been talking about Christ's crucifixion. I did not know this, but Jesus had about a mile to carry his cross to the hill at Golgotha. During this mile walk, anyone could still speak out if they felt that He was innocent and Jesus would at that point be retried. The entire trial would start over, but not a single person spoke up. Can you imagine how alone he felt? Even Jesus' family at that point didn't believe in him. His own brothers didn't believe he was the Messiah. His family rejected him. I think Jesus knows how it feels to feel like you belong to nobody....this gives a whole new meaning to walking a mile in my shoes doesn't it?.....but then we see the whisper of God at work....the reminder that we DO belong to someone.....Jesus, was not able to carry his cross the entire way by himself. (He was too weak from the illegal beatings that had taken place.) A man named Simon was chosen to help Jesus carry his cross. I find this a beautiful picture. Isn't it so like God to ensure that even in the hardest, darkest moments we are not alone. I'm sure Jesus felt alone, but his Father made sure someone was there with him. Whether we recognize it or not we are never alone. I pray that God's whisper of "I AM with you" is much louder than the hiss of Satan that no one cares-you're alone. Courtney you can be SOMEBODY'S daughter. I am a daughter of the King. Praise God that he adopted me into his family. He will adopt anyone who comes to him and believes that he is the Son of God. Don't we all want to belong to someone? Won't you let SOMEONE carry your burdens today? You can be SOMEBODY'S daughter or son...not just anyone's daughter or son, but the ONE who gave his own son for you...

Ephesians 1:4-6 (NLT)
Even before he made the world, God loved us and chose us in Christ to be holy and without fault in his eyes. God decided in advance to adopt us into his own family by bringing us to himself through Jesus Christ. This is what he wanted to do, and it gave him great pleasure. So we praise God for the glorious grace he has poured out on us who belong to his dear Son.

If you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. For it is by believing in your heart that you are made right with God, and it is by confessing with your mouth that you are saved.
Romans 10:9,10 (NLT)

Eating Bread Crumbs. . . . ... ....

Okay maybe I shouldn't be surprised by now that the Lord is the one who directs my path, and that he goes before me everywhere I go, but when he keeps doing it I'm just wowed! This past year and 2 months of trying to do music ministry full time has been so interesting. Absolutely every time I begin feeling like "why am I doing this?" "Did God really call me to do this?" "There's nothing going on, how am I possibly going to keep doing this?" He ALWAYS and I mean ALWAYS brings something or someone my way to encourage me. I feel like Gretel following the bread crumb path, and just when I think I can't find the next bread crumb, there it is just around the next turn. (I wonder if I'll ever make it to the big candy house? lol!) What I have noticed is that I have done nothing. I do not deserve any credit for any event I've gone to or done. The Lord has been the one to bring all of it my way. Every church I've sang at, every push to keep playing guitar, every kind person who has given me a chance has been because the Lord did it. This past week I have found myself becoming a little anxious because things have seemed to slow down for me. The rest of this month seems slow and the month of May looks just like it. Now I know that this hasn't been booked yet, but regardless this is how the Lord keeps doing things. This is not the first time this has happened, and I am always so encouraged and in awe of it. Literally a few minutes ago I checked my fan page on facebook (I don't do this very regularly even though I should) and there is a sweet message from a lady who heard me sing at an event back in (I think) 2006? She said she would love to have me come to her church. Yet again someone God completely brought into my path. I'm honored to be on this bread crumb path that the Lord has me on. It may be narrow, but I pray I always stay on it. His path is the best. His bread crumbs are far better than any feast I could find off of this path. He is my daily bread, and I am overwhelmed by His love for me. Oh how He loves us. He truly does...

Favorites

This is way overdue....there is much that has been on my mind and "so much things to say right now," but I want to write about something that happened a few weeks ago. A dear friend of my husbands and mine introduced us recently to some strangers as some of his favorite people. I had a hard time believing him when he said it, not because we don't have a mutual respect and liking for each other, but I just found it hard to believe that someone would say something like that about me. It bothered me that I thought that. I went away thinking about it and found myself feeling like that person displayed very Christ like love-that he accepted me just as Christ accepts me-just as I am, with all my faults and everything. I can hear Christ introducing each of us that way, "This is one of my favorite people." How awesome! To think that the creator of this universe would not just like me, but to call me His favorite. To know he treasures me. So to you the reader, may you go away reading this remembering that you are one of God's favorites. And before you can object remember this:
"But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." Romans 5:8

Forgiveness in the City

So here it is 12:37 AM, and I just got done watching Sex in the City the movie. Now before all of you ultra conservatives out there start judging and think how could she possibly watch such trash please continue to read on.... oh and if you haven't seen the movie and want to-don't read this, it will ruin it for you.

While I may not condone all of the subject matter in this movie there was one thing that really struck me while watching this movie: there was an overwhelming message of forgiveness. Within the movie Carrie Bradshaw (SJP's character) begins writing a book on love. Even in the tv series Carrie along with all of her friends are always trying to find love. (Often love and sex are so intermingled that it can be confusing and maybe even thought that they are one in the same. My friends no matter how much we try to fool ourselves into thinking they are the same thing-they are not. That subject is for another day though.) Carrie, after 10 years of dating Mr. Big finally gets engaged to him just to have her dreams come crashing down as she gets stood up by him on their wedding day. Miranda, one of Carrie's friends finds out her husband cheated on her, and Carrie finds herself having to forgive Miranda for having played a part in messing up her wedding day. In all of these situations forgiveness was chosen, and because of it life and love continued on for all of these characters in beautiful ways. Had these characters not chosen forgiveness I can't even begin to think of all of the ramifications it would have on not only themselves as characters but everyone else around them that their lives touched. It is the same way with us and forgiveness. Our decision to forgive or not impacts not only us, but all of those around us. It hit me that even in a secular movie that to really have a movie about love, it is almost impossible to separate forgiveness and love. I think the reason for this is it points ultimately to what Christ did for us. If God is love, and he sent his son Jesus to forgive our sins through his death on the cross then in so sending his son it truly proves that he is love. Forgiveness is love on full display. Like the colors of a beautiful sunset or on an incredible painting, forgiveness allows love to shine in it's most brilliant form. Forgiveness is love in action. I am so thankful that our Savior did that for us! Obviously I am thankful for his forgiveness, but I'm also thankful that he put down a model for us to follow. Even when it is at it's most difficult moments, forgiveness is always the way. After being scorned by love on her wedding day, Carrie could not begin writing her book about love. She sat down in front of the computer and simply typed: love. I have a feeling that after forgiveness took place her writer's block ceased. I will leave you with this incredible passage from the Message Bible found in Colossians 3:12-14, and because Sex in the City is incredibly high fashion minded I love the verbage in this translation:

"So, chosen by God for this new life of love, dress in the wardrobe God picked out for you: compassion, kindness, humility, quiet strength, discipline. Be even-tempered, content with second place, quick to forgive an offense. Forgive as quickly and completely as the Master forgave you. And regardless of what else you put on, wear love. It's your basic, all-purpose garment. Never be without it."

The Good Shepherd

"You are there, when I'm going out or coming in."

This is the opening line of a song I wrote a few years ago called "Always With Me" based on Psalm 139. I'm doing a Bible study on the book of John, and right now we are focusing on John 10. In the Bible study notes it says the phrase "will come in and go out" was filled with deep meaning for the Hebrews because it meant that they could move about freely and safely without being hindered in any way. Jesus, as our shepherd went before us and leads the way. He has already faced all the difficulties for us so that he can lead us, his sheep, through and over all of the dangers that we will face in life. "They will come and go freely and find good pastures." (John 10:9) How awesome to know that I have complete freedom and safety because Christ is with me! With the earthquake having happened in Haiti it makes me think about how all of those people must feel unsafe, never knowing if another tremor could take place and bury them beneath rubble. It comforts me to know that even if the very walls around me (physically or metaphorically) were caving in on me that my Savior has faced the same dangers in life. Even as I type that I must be honest that part of me thinks, "yeah right-how did he go through what I've gone through." I am reminded of the past 2 years as God has walked alongside me through my vocal hemorrhage that even in that he understands my pain, my grief, my frustration and even my anger when he reminded me of him in the garden of Gethsemane as he basically begged God to take his suffering away from him. He has been there. Oh yes, he shares my pain, my grief, my frustration, my anger-and he shares yours too. How good to know that he will lead us to good pastures "beside peaceful streams" (Psalm 23:3). His heart towards us is good. He IS the Good Shepherd. We can come and go freely and know that we have security in Christ.

"Jesus tasted death for everyone. Jesus, through his suffering, a perfect leader, fit to bring them into their salvation." (Hebrews 2 part of verse 9 and 10)

PS. It's one in the morning as I write this so I pray my thoughts are coming across clearly....this sheep needs sleep.....maybe I should go count some.....

Blankets for Haiti

I was so excited about this happening yesterday! I love how God works out details-even small things. (Forgive the incomplete sentences.) Our church was collecting fleece blankets to send to Haiti and they had to be delivered by 3:00 yesterday to our church. Well at 1:30 I found out the fleece blankets that I found on sale at Kohl's were all gone from the Kohl's near me so my husband called around and found out that there were some at the Kohl's about 45 min. away from our house. I jumped in car, pulling out around 1:45. Arrived at Kohl's at 2:30, ran inside, grabbed the remaining twin size fleece blankets (twelve!) and went to the checkout. I felt like a kid at Christmas-I was so excited they had them available. AND!!!! I had a 30% card for Kohl's. This never happens. I usually get send the 15% or the 20% but never the 30% off. Soooooo excited that I had one for a time like this so that I could buy far more than I would have been able to. God rocks like that! I knew I wasn't going to make it at 3:00 so I was trying to find out if I was a bit after if it was okay. Found out through a friend (thanks Rena!) that they had actually packed early and had just left the church (2:55!!!!) So Rena got me in touch with who I needed to talk to. I called and we met just off the interstate in Rivergate and the blankets made it on the bus. The timing was amazing, the savings were great and I pray those blankets warm the Haitians from the tip of their toes to the top of the heads and that God's love will permeate even deeper-into their hearts. =)

Midnight Ramblings

Okay this is slightly pathetic that I haven't written in a while. I think it's because I always want to write something profound so even if I think of something to share I want it to be really stellar so I don't write. Well no longer! Not in 2010! That's my goal anyway. Not really a new year's resolution but a goal.

Something I thought tonight while leading worship for SMASH, the middle school ministry at my church and something I noticed a lot while encountering many different people in 2009 was that God really does thrive on using weak things to show his strength. I am amazed at that. It is so good to know that God uses broken vessels and can fill ordinary people up with him. I also noticed that no matter how long your walk with the Lord true wisdom comes from him and him alone. I think in Psalms? Proverbs? it says that the "fear of the Lord, is the beginning of knowledge." It is so true I have seen a new believer say some of the most profound things and grasp some very difficult theology and truths just because they are seeking the Lord with all of their heart. Seek him while he still may be found... the days are dark and darker days are still come. Thank you Lord for today.