Turbulence

(Big breath) And okay....here I go...This is my first blog of 2011, and it's interesting because I looked back and the last time I wrote was July. JULY PEOPLE! WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?????? Well I think it is very telling. I've been experiencing some turbulence since last summer. Sometimes I wish that in the turbulence of life that we experience here on the ground we could follow simple rules like the good flight attendants in the air instruct us to do. In case of an emergency do this:________________ Unfortunately that is not how things are. There was nothing that could warn me that things were about to be bumpy, just as you often are not warned about that in an airplane. Now if you're the pilot (which my sweet husband is now! He just got his private pilot's license this year! I'm so proud of you my sweet Michael.) As I was saying, if you're the pilot you can sometimes foresee that there is bumpy sky ahead, but here on earth God is my pilot and only He could know what was coming up for me. These bumps have been...well...bumpier...and I don't quite know yet how to handle them.

The next step is if the oxygen masks deploy make sure you put yours on first before you can assist others. I feel as though in my own life I have a hard time even finding the stupid oxygen mask. If only it would just appear above my head the breathing would be easier! In an airplane if the cabin becomes depressurized you face the risk of unconsciousness. Somehow I feel like the wind has been taken out of my own sails and somewhere unconsciously along the way, I have slipped into a sort of agreement. A sort of unconsciousness that what I have to say doesn't matter. That my life really doesn't matter. Now I know in my head this is a complete lie. I am fully aware that the Father of Lies loves to tell us that our lives don't matter. I KNOW that, but I don't FEEL that. I least I haven't been feeling that. I think this is why I haven't written since last summer because somewhere along the way I feel that what I have to write doesn't matter. My sweet friend Jen who writes a blog at http://defyingtheworld.blogspot.com/ (PS. It's a great blog. I love her heart-you should check it out!) asked me why I haven't written in awhile, and I told her that this is what I've been experiencing. I think perfectionism also keeps me from writing. I often feel like what I'm writing has to be awesome to make it worthy of someone reading it. So I am throwing all caution to the wind and just writing. I'm not really making changes. Just letting it flow...I never really liked proofing anyway. =)

And finally, once you have your oxygen mask on you can assist others. I long to do this. For my life to matter for someone else. I long for this not just in an earthly sense, but for what I'm doing to have an eternal impact. In my heart of hearts that's truly what I want. In the purest part of my heart I don't long for big success or fame. I just want what I do to be worthwhile. To assist others in their journey. To matter. I have felt as though what I am doing has no value to others. Again I KNOW that's not true, but I long to RECAPTURE THE HEART KNOWING. Jesus, help me. Help all of us in the turbulence of life. Help us breathe.